Because I’m moving back to Chattanooga, I’ve been thinking about some of the people I used to know and wondering what they’ve been up to. It’s been pretty easy to find blogs and message boards where these people participate. I read them and they make me feel like a ghost, watching the world going by without participating. Sometimes I want to reach out and make contact, but so far I haven’t. A couple of years ago, I stumbled on a very personal blog belonging to someone I had once been close to. I sent him a very heartfelt email. Not only did he not respond, but he took down the personal comments.
I was pretty awful before I left. I’m torn between wanting people to see me as I am now, a functional, vibrant person and wanting to start over with new people and a new life. I’m a little afraid of slipping back into my bad old habits.
The dream scenario would be like the end of Pan’s Labyrinth. I would enter a room full of people who saw me at my worst and they would be applauding the new me. Then I would wave dramatically and go on into the light.
